05.14.08
Posted in Best Humor at 6:52 pm by admin
If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. That’s because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, it’s a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny. In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, I’ll share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. I’ll break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means.
(1) Penis enlargements Cheap! - How do they know my size?
(2) Refinance Before it’s Too Late - Too late for what? To pay the refinance
charge?
(3) Viagra on Sale - Is my poor performance showing?
(4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention - I wonder what that’s all about?
(5) Get Your Free I-Pod - Who says nothing is free anymore?
(6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose.
(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area - Does that mean the KFC around the corner?
(8) E-Bay tips for Dummies - Who are you calling a dummy?
(9) We have Found Your Missing Money - Did you go under my sofa cushions
again?
(10) Invitation From Donald Trump - I get to hear “You’re Fired” in person
(11) Drug Rehab Center - Gotta kick that Tylenol
(12) Stop Paying Taxes! - And start going to prison, right?
(13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem - Like getting stupid Spam mail?
(14) Great Careers Opportunity - Did I mention I’m retired?
(15) Party Poker Your Way - Like cheating to win?
(16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.
(17) A Woman Wants You - This must be from my daughter needing money
(18) Costa Rica Land is Yours - Funny, I don’t remember ordering any.
(19) Spanish Lottery Winner - Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor.
(20) Gas Savings Instantly - Should I stop eating beans?
So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in
my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and
travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the “Baghdad
Cruise Special” I just received, is worth checking out.
Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for
nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising
and has a Master’s Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own
advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design
firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the
Phoenix,” available at amazon.com. His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow
Pages.” Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com,
a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.
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04.07.08
Posted in Best Humor at 5:36 pm by admin
To pinch it and to squeeze it
I so luuuv your butts
They’re like overrippened mallows
So gentle to the touch.
I’m fond to nip and see
Those plump and fattened parts
Like overstuffed silk pillows
I take the fun to heart.
At times I tempt to bite
What looks like sinful apples
Sometimes I feel my cheek against
Those cushioned velvet balls.
Now I bless you baby, biggy butts
Yours are thingies I really luuv
Master not to fart so loud
And rem’ber in life there’s more to have…
. . . than having great butts!
About the Author: WILLIAM POGIE BIAGAN RAMOS only sense of joy & validation comes from his writing. And yes,… he’s a big fan of fried chicken legs, Sheryl Cruz and plump butts, [baby’s butts, thatis!] ;-)This one is in memorial, or is it an ode?, to my Paolo Baby dela Vega’s greatest asset!
Source: www.isnare.com
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03.21.08
Posted in Best Humor at 6:35 pm by admin
Saint Valentine’s Day rolls around just once a year. And if
you’ve been married as long as I have, your chances for sex
don’t come much more often. ‘There’s always next year‘ is
a fine mantra for a Cubs fan or a Libertarian, but not for a
lover. So don’t miss your amorous opportunity this time
around — heed the following Valentine’s Day advice.
Nobody wants to hear the story of Saint Valentine
Simply put, any story that ends with a beheading is
not going to get you laid. If you must tell a ‘topical’
story, try something from ‘Penthouse Letters‘, instead.
Much hotter, and the tales there almost never end in
decapitations.
Let your partner tell you when it’s time to see your
underwear
Guys, I know she tells you she likes surprises. I know
she wants you to be spontaneous. But greeting her at the door –
or, god forbid, at her office — wearing nothing but a
trenchcoat and a pair of edible undies is not helping anyone.
Besides the fact that you look ridiculous, mid-February
is still quite cold in many parts of the world. For your own
sake, think of the ’shrinkage’.
Ladies… ignore this point altogether. We always want to
see your underwear. Or, preferably, your lack thereof. You
little vixens, you.
Don’t eat the candy hearts
First of all, they taste like styrofoam ass. Chalky
styrofoam ass. Who wants to eat chalky styrofoam ass? Nobody,
that’s who.
Also, remember that a candy approximately as dry as the Sahara
will rob you of all the saliva you’ve managed to produce that
week. And your kissy-faced schnookums isn’t going to appreciate
sucking on your parched, wrinkly tongue. It’s not ‘Saint
French-The-Elderly Day’, after all. I think that one’s in
September.
Finally, realize that the average number of candy hearts a
person can eat without ralphing them back up is somewhere in the
neighborhood of two. And while the irony of seeing a
regurgitated ‘I M N2 U!‘ in the toilet bowl is
‘delicious‘, it is by no means ‘romantic‘.
Leave the poetry to the professional poets
I tell you this from personal experience. A few years ago, I
decided that the best way to express my love was to write my
wife a poem, raw and sexy and straight from the heart. Here are
the words that ended the odd-numbered lines of said poem:
‘rubies’
‘ballantine’
‘corndog’
’schmenitalia’ (the point where I realized I was in over my head)
‘blooper’
‘labradoodle’ (don’t ask)
‘Georgie’
‘angina’
She made me sleep on the couch for a week. Don’t go there. Just
don’t.
Don’t give your sweetie an uber-religious greeting card
Yes, she’ll be happy you remembered. Yes, it’s the thought that
counts. And yes, the picture on the front with a single ray of
light shining through the stormclouds is certainly
inspirational.
But nothing screams ‘why don’t we just cuddle tonight?‘
quite like a card containing the line:
‘Blessed be our marital bed, shared in love with the bosom of
Jesus.‘
I’m all for a ‘Valentine’s threesome’ — particularly one
involving bosoms — but that’s just a little too kinky.
Steer clear.
If you don’t buy your lover chocolate, don’t explain
why
It’s perfectly acceptable to say:
‘I bought you these [flowers / massage oils / sexy underpants
/ strippers] because you’re beautiful and I love you.‘
It’s not acceptable to say:
‘I didn’t get you any chocolate, because I know you’re
dieting and I support your goal of being thinner.‘
And it’s definitely not a good idea to say:
‘Besides, you want a gift that’ll last for more than three
minutes, and you won’t cry about later, right?‘
Again, personal experience. And another week sleeping on the
couch.
Learn from my mistakes, budding Romeos and Juliets. Follow these
tips, and you should be randily romancing your lover in no time.
Ignore my advice, and… well, ‘there’s always next
year‘.
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