05.14.08
That Spam-I-Am, I Do Not Like That Spam-I-Am
If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. That’s because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, it’s a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny. In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, I’ll share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. I’ll break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means.
(1) Penis enlargements Cheap! - How do they know my size?
(2) Refinance Before it’s Too Late - Too late for what? To pay the refinance
charge?
(3) Viagra on Sale - Is my poor performance showing?
(4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention - I wonder what that’s all about?
(5) Get Your Free I-Pod - Who says nothing is free anymore?
(6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose.
(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area - Does that mean the KFC around the corner?
(8) E-Bay tips for Dummies - Who are you calling a dummy?
(9) We have Found Your Missing Money - Did you go under my sofa cushions
again?
(10) Invitation From Donald Trump - I get to hear “You’re Fired” in person
(11) Drug Rehab Center - Gotta kick that Tylenol
(12) Stop Paying Taxes! - And start going to prison, right?
(13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem - Like getting stupid Spam mail?
(14) Great Careers Opportunity - Did I mention I’m retired?
(15) Party Poker Your Way - Like cheating to win?
(16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.
(17) A Woman Wants You - This must be from my daughter needing money
(18) Costa Rica Land is Yours - Funny, I don’t remember ordering any.
(19) Spanish Lottery Winner - Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor.
(20) Gas Savings Instantly - Should I stop eating beans?
So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in
my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and
travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the “Baghdad
Cruise Special” I just received, is worth checking out.
Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for
nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising
and has a Master’s Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own
advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design
firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, “Pursuit of the
Phoenix,” available at amazon.com. His latest book is, “Inside the Yellow
Pages.” Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com,
a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.
